Irrationally Angry...

sometimes I get frustrated and angry at the smallest of things...

today's one such day... am feeling a lil agitated 'cause I screwed up the timing for a show...

the sad thing is that it (the sense of agitation) is spilling over into other unrelated facets of my life...

at the moment, I'm ignoring the notification sounds on my mobile... I know better than to check and reply messages when I'm not in the right mood... I wouldn't wanna say something I'll regret just 'cause I'm angry about missing the show I wanted to watch (and I so wanted to watch it)...

pretty silly, I know...

I wanna write something more... substantial, but my anger flares up time to time, so I suppose writing something "substantial" is out of the question...

the best thing to do when you're frustrated/angry/agitated is to take time to cool-off...
try avoiding contact, that works for me...
though if the friends of mine who've messaged me come across this blog-entry, I apologise guys, I'm just not in the right mood to be messaging... I know you understand, thanks for being understanding...

I keep telling myself, "just close your eyes, take deep breaths, and let the anger melt and dissipate"

I guess I should just try to hit the sack... once I'm asleep the anger will definitely slip away...

... gloomy....

once again I find myself feeling disconnected...

unintentional I'm sure, but I felt belittled...

made to feel insignificant, to feel like I do not matter...

perhaps I had vexed someone the wrong way...

I suppose my mind wasn't in the right frame to begin with...

a little resentment on my part with how I was treated, but I have negated it...

still I feel gloomy, dejected, bereaved...

but that is expected, for are we not creatures of social-connection?..

to feel left out, pushed into isolation... my feelings now are normal then...

I'm tired of holding grudges, tired of feeling that I've been wronged...

tired to think of all the unjust done to me...

tired of keeping scores...

tired of...

I'm just tired of wasting my energy for those who do not appreciate me...

outlook...

life goes on, regardless of how you feel...

we've all had that moment we feel like shit...

I've been feeling that way for the past few days...

I know why, I actually know the cause of it...

but it's so hard to stop it...

life's no that simple, it's not an add-subtract equation...

you can't just stop doing something, there are other factors that complicate it...

so you struggle to find a way to stop it, without stopping the action that generated the conflict...

what I find most helpful though, in such a situation, is a positive attitude...

people might think you're crazy maintaining a positive outlook for what they perceive to be a bleak situation...

smile, whatever the problems you're facing are...

positivity is infectious, and it's viral effects aren't just within a person, it is able to affect others around us too...

so I feel like crap, I ain't got time to mope about it...

instead of keeping it in, I shared my problems to the person closest to me, to the person I trust my innermost, darkest secrets...

it alleviated the psychological burden I was feeling...

I'm a lil more cheerful, a lil more positive today... and I believe I've figured what I need to do, to stop a problem, and hopefully repair any damage it had caused...

life went on during the duration I felt like crap... and when I felt that way, every facet of life seemed crappy...

so I remind myself, minimise feeling "crappy", 'cause I wanna enjoy as much as life for as much time as I have left...

life will always go on, and I need to make the best that life has to offer...

essence of [ relationship | life | existence ]

"communication is the essence of our relationship"

sounds simple eh?..
believe you me, it's not that simple...

I find it easier to Tweet or blog about my opinions, my ideas, and to some extent my feelings (vague as feelings are to describe in writing)...
forget profound communication, I find it difficult to even hold simple conversations with people...
small talk ain't that easy for me...

we're social creatures, and each of us yearns to be communicate, and by communicate here I'm talking about two-way communication...

"we want to be seen, heard, and known for who we are, to have our accomplishments celebrated and our suffering comforted... when we look more closely, we find that we have an equal need to see, hear, and know others for who they are, to celebrate their joy and empathise with their pain"

sad it is then to admit that our upbringing, the extended environment we're raised in, instills paranoia and destroys our sense of trust, even amongst family members...
we, social creatures, are forced into isolation...

many of us never form meaningful relationships in our lifetime...

so we know the problem... we do not communicate enough...
or at least, we do not have enough meaningful communication....

I dislike the fact that I have problems communicating face-to-face...
and I can't have an intimate and meaningful communication online, written, composed...
there are limitations to what written forms of communications can convey, before the message and the feelings and emotions associated with it gets distorted...

I'm working on it... I'm learning how to be comfortable communicating face-to-face...
like I said, it's not easy... but I realise that the two most crucial variables affecting my ability to communicate face-to-face are mindset (psychological) and attitude (holistic)...
in changing the two, I realise that I naturally tend to smile more to people, and as a result people tend to initiate small-talk with me...

communication, it isn't just the essence of our relationships, it's also the essence of our very lives and existence...

of randomly rambling...

what do you write when you feel like writing?..
you can feel the ideas are overflowing at the brim, but ideas aren't tangible...
I can feel inspiration surging, but I cannot seem to find the words for it...

SURREAL!

so, I thought to myself, "why not write about the process of organising my thoughts trying to write something..."
... and that's how I got started on this blog entry...

I wanna blame it on writers-block, but to be honest, the inspiration surging through me now is more emotion-based...
emotions are very hard to put into words, as you know...
so while I'm desperately trying to find the words to accurately depict them, I understand the futility of that endeavour...
but none the less, I shall try... hopefully somewhere in the process of composing this entry I'll figure an expression to depict them...

okay, let me explain what triggered this surge of emotional inspiration...

"loneliness"

I'm not joking...
the book I'm currently reading is titled "loneliness"...
it's not a "self-help" book, it's actually classified under psychology... it discusses the difference between "being alone" and "feeling lonely"... it talks about how feeling lonely is normal, but how the feeling of loneliness is meant to be a warning siren to get us to initiate acts of socialisation...
there's so much to this book, and I relate to what's written in it...
I admit that for most of my life, and to some extent I still feel lonely, despite being surrounded by individuals who love me, and individuals whom I love...

there's an altruistic feel to this book...
the author, to me at least, successfully touched something in me, and made me accept the fact that I am lonely, and that the only way for me end this cycle of loneliness is to force myself to socialise and connect with people...
the book states that the cure for loneliness is a Catch-22...
lonely individuals tend to recluse themselves from social-events... the more lonely you are, the more prone you are to isolating yourself...

I've been forcing myself to smile more to strangers, to try and have small talks with strangers, and (this is the hardest) to actually confess to the person I love of my insecurities, my fears, and my desires...

I must say the results are phenomenal...

I feel happier at my core...
I feel more energetic...
I sleep better...

my insecurities seem to have vanished...
my fears seem so irrational now, unreal...
my desires, my dream, they seem within my grasp...

so... looking at what I ended up writing here, I believe this "inspiration" I feel surging through me is part of the process of discovering myself, aligning my self-image with how I'm perceived by others, reconciling any differences that might exist, and consolidating myself into a whole-person...

I guess you can say I'm overjoyed at the fact that the pieces of me are coming together, at last!..
soon, I pray, I'll no longer be fragments of a person, but a whole, a complete me...

the result (partial) of INTROSPECTION...

every day I'm a step closer...

it's been a turbulent past few days for me, been introspecting a lot..

A LOT...

I realise a few things... but of those few things, only a few are worth mentioning...

obviously this isn't unique to me, but I'm not sure how wide-spread this is...

this is a problem some of us born with the nature of "duality" face...

I have said it before, I'm a jack of all trades, but a master of none...

it brings with it some benefits, especially in terms of common sense and street smarts...

BUT, on the down side, I haven't mastered any discipline of studies...

so "realisation" # 1, and the first issue I need to tackle, is this lack of mastery...

I need to decide, within a time frame I've set for myself, what I want to master in life...

I've grouped the potential disciplines into two...

...financially driven...

...passion driven...

kinda sad for me to even consider working for money, especially if it's in a discipline I won't enjoy...

but I need to do what needs to be done...

I've said it in the past I want to stand on my own two feet, I want to be independent of my family...

and I need to find a way to support the lifestyle I'm accustomed to, to live in environments I'm familiar with, and to portray an image and garner respect the way my parents do...

I hate to think I'll be stuck in a job where I'll curtail my own freedom of expression, my own identity...

on the other hand, I could choose to explore disciplines which are closer to heart...

but all I can think of now is that jobs in those line won't make ends meet...

if I pursue that path, I'll go back on my words, I'll be depending on my inheritance to support my lifestyle...

it's a decision I've yet to make, but the dead-line is fast approaching...

at the moment, I'm inclined towards a good paying job, regardless of whether I'm passionate about it...

but I believe I can cultivate passion in any discipline, in any industry...

till the time comes, I'll enjoy my life...

when the time has lapsed... we shall see...

bundle of consideration...

it always begins with "small sacrifices"... but eventually, those "small sacrifices" become bigger, and bigger...

it's dangerous, this behaviour of giving in... we choose to give up certain things, but we must understand, this act of "sacrificing" is actually emotionally driven...
suffice to say, we're not of sound mind when making such "sacrifices"...

aren't we all afraid we'll influence the decision of our loved ones?..

in reality, we can't avoid it... we're not part of their consideration when making decisions...

it is our responsibility, to time and time again, remind our loved ones, that they ought to decide how they would have decided if we aren't part of the bundle of consideration...

life ought to be enjoyed... be it together, or with other people, or even alone...

so I remind myself, and by writing this out I am reaffirming my stand, that I must not influence your decision...
pretentious as this may sound, 'cause it'll seem as if I actually have any power to affect your decision, I encourage you to do whatever your heart desires...

don't get me wrong though, the thought of being apart from you...
PAINFUL...

but I'll adapt, I'll cope, and I'll survive...